Junior 10/2008 - 8/2010Four days after putting the cat down:
Junior was an innocent and trusting soul, and very sweet. He was happy until last Thursday when he suddenly began great suffering physically. I had a choice of either allowing the suffering to continue, fruitless surgery or to euthanize him. I made am impossible decision. I held him as he died. I found myself aware of his simple presence still within me even after I cradled his little lifeless body and wept. I have thought about Kali, a goddess that strips away illusion, one who is fierce and ruthless with an intention of creating harmony and enlightenment.
Kali,
Why must destruction come with creation? I am speechless as a corpse, yet angry and demanding like a newborn child. The world is shoving at the light of love with pitchforks and sickles. Must I love the destroyers as much as the creators? Why doe
s life take such a push and tug to make anything beautiful? I sit and write to you from the Zen garden we created as a peaceful retreat. The moles tear up the yard beneath your statue in our sanctuary.
Can’t there be place that is a refuge? You answer “Yes, but it is not a place.” You push back my hair gently before you sever my head. Why must you kill to enlighten?
~~
Kali,
I have become death for my little friend who was suffering. Now I suffer remembering my kitty's cry and plaintiff shudders. He knew death was coming at the end. Our prized golden cat knew no real danger during the life he shared with us. He knew no fear until the final moments of a life I tended… then ended. The vision of the needle became my recompense. I became you, Kali.
Now you hover beside me and ask: “What else must die little one?” Must I give up everything I bought so dearly to save my flowing life from becoming the sea? A shudder surges in and out of my flesh. I am the one who has hardly known anything But fear.
A ruthless truth wells up from deep within me: I must become a truer aspect of myself now or my soul will shrivel and die.
Inside I hold Junior and cry, remembering the happiness of love even in the severance.
RS
(c) Rick Sievers, 8-2010
Impossible decision is right. I've had to do that, and even in ten years it doesn't fade all that much. I remember my precious Demelza, who suddenly became ill in early 2000, and to this day sometimes I demand of the Universe with a cry and a tear, why did my little kitty have to die? There are, of course, no answers to that, save maybe the lesson that all things must pass.
ReplyDeleteAs a cat lover I feel every inch of your pain....thank you for having the courage to write the whole terrible truth.
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