Naming It With Compassion

The Desk Tilting and Groaning Under the Weight

My wife and I have been watching a series on PBS called This Emotional Life. Last night the series addressed post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression. I was struck with the information that came out in the program, information that I already knew but suppress. Emotional disorders are disorders of the actual physical brain including the neurotransmitters and the architecture of the tissues. Depression happens to be a physical illness that affects the brain.

The cool thing about the brain is that we have many tools to rewire the well worn pathways of fear and despair. Certain forms of psychotherapy (e.g. cognitive and meditative) and medications can be very effective. The insidious part of depression is that we can assume that what we feel or not feel is something that is a character flaw and normal. We can habituate to a mindset that is not healthily or productive.

A young woman spoke on the program. She said that “The opposite of depression is not happiness, it’s vitality.” Then a whole line of folks described how depression and PTSD often get worse and more entrenched when one resists naming and addressing the issues. One would wonder “Why would I want to talk about all that stuff and just stir it up again?” Because the talk and the retelling the stories can help when under the guidance of a therapist that holds you in unconditional positive regard. There is no guarantee of relief. Past trauma can become rerouted out of the “constantly afraid and vigilant loop”. Feeling all our emotions, especially happiness, can become the norm. But it takes work and persistence. Which are energies that are in short supply for someone with difficulty even feeling or following through with a task.

I talk about this because I lost both of my grandmothers to depression. One died from suicide and one attempted suicide two times after lingering in a vegetative life. I also lost several clients in the most traumatic manner. I talk about this because I am deciding to reveal more about the human condition by telling you about my experience. I take three pills every night just to sleep. I am triggered into a vigilant state with even the hint of aggression. The friends I have left, the ones that can be patient with me, know that I sometimes disappear for months.

It’s fairly easy to be anonymous and serve up platitudes and trite fixes when one writes a blog like this. I don’t want to do that. It’s also easy to say “Look at me, poor me.” on the web. I want to educate myself by coming out more in the world as the person that I am. Part of me is never safe, always on alert and posing as competent and assured. A big part of me. After hearing glimmerings from my community acquaintances and watching the PBS program I understand that much of the world feels the same way. The bible talks about the groaning of the world as it tilts into despair. It also talks about the glory and comfort of the Divine. I feel both poles within me. Today I’m simply struggling to feel worthy and unafraid.

It helps to break through the biologically based denial and habits of depression. But right now I’m not able to get myself out into out in the world of work or paid service because the images and experiences from past events feel current. In fact I'm not comfortable even leaving my land. How many others are in the same boat? Many. I want to continue this conversation with you. I hope it will help others seeks compassionate help. I hope to experience a broader range of my joyful life through the revelations.

Here's a Link to the PBS series: This Emotional Life

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